Sadly enough most people often come to couples therapy or marriage counseling when their relationship is at the lowest low. The question I can see on many of my past clients faces is “Is it worth it?” Is it worth it to put in all this work to something that feels so broken?
Is it worth it to keep trying when in the end I don’t know if this will work? Is this relationship even worth saving?
One of the first things that I do to help my client’s answer this question is ask, “do you want this relationship to work, and are you in it for the long haul?” Couples therapy is not easy.
It is not a thing where the counselor just pushes a little button and POOF everything is better. Couple’s therapy is work. But if you and your significant other is willing to put in the work, your relationship will come out better than you ever expected.
Relationship counseling is simply a way for couples to relearn how to properly communicate their needs and feelings to one another.
At some point in the relationship communication became a challenge and it kept progressing until now at least one person does not feel like they can openly communicate and now have to walk around on egg shells.
Communication is key to having a successful relationship. Here are the common myths that I hear my client’s say when they explain why they cannot openly communicate;
1. “I already know what they are going to say, so why bother?”
Yes and No. You know your partner better than most other people. You know their little quirks and how they normally like to communicate. But if you automatically assume an outcome you do not give an opportunity for the person to alter those beliefs. Also, express the type of response you desire so there is no ambiguity.
2. “Any time I try it turns into an argument.”
More often than not, if a topic is approached in a respectful way the possibility of the conversation turning into an argument goes down drastically. Again, approach the conversation laying out the expectations therefore; the other person realizes that you are not just trying to have another argument. If these things are tried and it is still not a possibility that is when a counselor is needed.
3. “What does it matter, they do not care anyways.”
If your significant other did not care then they would not be in a relationship with you any longer. So try again. If you try to communicate and your partner states and/or demonstrates that they do not care then assess whether or not the relationship is working. Ask to see a counselor. If they refuse maybe it is time to move on. Really take time to assess the relationship.
Another common occurrence that I see is that couples may not have as big of issues communicating as much as they just lack communication.
Maybe you are together but just are not having in depth conversations that help the relationship feel intimate. Therefore, you are experiencing more quantity time but not quality time. Quantity being the actual amount of time and quality being the connection you truly seek.
What is quality time? Quality time is going out on a date and not looking at your cell phones. It is getting to bed a little earlier so you can talk about your days, pillow talk. It is playing a board game with each other rather than watching that next show.
So basically, it is intentional time that allows for open communication and fun. It is about showing interest in your partner, when the quality of time increases the value of the relationship increases as well.
Maybe there is more to your relationship concerns then just communication. Maybe in the past your significant other has broken your trust. Or maybe you broke your significant others trust. What now? What then?
That is when a counselor is a great benefit. A counselor can navigate you through the maze of hurt and help you see the possibility of healing at the end.
So back to the first question, is it worth it? If you value your relationship then yes, it is worth it. It is possible for you to once again have a healthy successful relationship.
Couples Counseling could end up being the best thing that could have happened. Just remember that it takes work but in the end, it’s always worth it.
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